To Have Loved and Lost

To Have Loved and Lost

I know it’s cliche to say it was love at first sight but it truly was, for me anyway. I knew someday he would be my husband. I knew he would father my children. It wasn't something I ever felt before but I knew it was true.

My best friend at the time, Amanda was dating an older guy named Paul. Amanda and I worked in the food court of the mall next door to each other. Paul came to see Amanda and he had a friend with him.
Me- “Paul, who is your friend?”
Paul- “oh that's Ricky, want me to hook you up?”
Me- “I'm still dating Chris but I think we are going to break up, see what he says”

About a month later Chris and I have broken up and Paul brought his friend with him. Ricky says to me “So I hear you're my new little girlfriend”

The spell had been cast.
He was funny, goofy, and sweet.

There was a lot of rocky back and forth between us. Between break ups, growing up, family struggles, and him enlisting in the navy, but we ended up pregnant, with TWINS!!!
Even through a good bit of drama he stayed.

Then I went into labor 2 months early.

It was successfully stopped and I was sent home on bedrest. On April's fools day I went into labor again. Only to be sent home 4 hours later (I should have known they were gonna be pranksters like their daddy). Eight days later our handsome little men came into the world. We settled into our crazy new life with twins. Our little boys were rambunctious but so handsome with little heart shaped mouths and curly hair and big brown eyes like daddy's.

We were married February 22, 2004. My brother in law made some amazing Italian food. All of our best friends and most of our families were there. Our wedding song was “At last” by Etta James.
Every time I hear that song a tear or 2 might roll down my cheeks.

Three days short of 3 years after the boys were born, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter. She was the meaning of Daddy's girl.

I would be lying if I said our relationship was sunshine and roses. My husband was bi-polar and struggled with addiction. After 6 months of being apart, I ended up moving across country, this time to South Carolina. I moved here to be with my husband. I got a job as soon as we got here and things were good for a while.

Then, he lost his job or quit I can't remember. He was out of work for over a year. Thankfully we were able to survive on what I was making as a bartender. I worked my ass off at night while he took care of the kids.

Then everything changed, we had been here about a year and a half. Our boys were in kindergarten and had recently turn 6, our daughter just turned 3. He had just turned 31. The day before I went on a field trip with one of the twins. We had been fighting over something stupid. So he went out drinking. He came home yelling. I told him to just leave me alone. I was tired and had to go to the same field trip the next day with the other twin. I assumed he went back out.

The next day I woke up. Walked downstairs. Passed my husbands boots on the way to the kitchen. Saw the back door was unlocked. I opened the door.

I found my husband.



I was 16 when I met him and 26 when I lost him.

Those 10 years mean everything to me.
I loved that man fiercely and still do. He made gave me the best gift he could have ever given me.
Our kids.

Losing him broke me in ways that can probably never be repaired. It's been 3,933 days since he left us. My love for him has not faded. I miss him so very much.

Ricky, I hope you are at rest now.
I hope you know how much you were loved and still are every damn day.
I hope I have made you proud my love.

Forever and always.

Please, if you or something you know is thinking or commenting about taking their own lives, please call National suicide prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

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